General diary entries


I caught this poem being shared on Facebook earlier today, and as I read it, it really struck a chord with me.

You’re not imagining it, nobody seems to want to talk right now.
Messages are brief and replies late.

Talk of catch ups on zoom are perpetually put on hold.
Group chats are no longer pinging all night long.

It’s not you.
It’s everyone.
We are spent.
We have nothing left to say.
We are tired of saying ‘I miss you’ and ‘I cant wait for this to end’.
So we mostly say nothing, put our heads down and get through each day.

You’re not imagining it.
This is a state of being like no other we have ever known because we are all going through it together but so very far apart.

Hang in there my friend.
When the mood strikes, send out all those messages and don’t feel you have to apologise for being quiet.

This is hard.
No one is judging.

Donna Ashworth
Author of poetry book, ‘to the women’

As I read it, I realised that it could have been me saying those very words.
I have been finding it very hard to carry on any kind of conversation online with anyone lately.

At work, I thrive with a bit of conversation.
With the kids I look after, with their parents, with my colleagues and when I get into teaching mode with the students I feel like I’m talking their ears off!!

At home it’s getting really tough to even acknowledge a message.
In the early days of COVID we did the occasional Zoom family gathering but they have since disappeared.
I wouldn’t know what to say if we had one.

I have to admit that I’ve been one of the lucky ones.
I have continued to work throughout the pandemic (albeit at a hospital!)
I’m the one that goes out for the shopping because the hubby is high risk.
Apart from being very limited on what I can do outside of work, my life hasn’t changed much.
I can only imagine what it’s been like for others not able to even go to work.

However, I am now realising just how much not having my Mum come round in the mornings and losing the freedom to just pop to the cinema, have a weekend away in London or just meet up with mates in the pub, is having an effect on me.
My ability to carry an online conversation much beyond ‘how you doing?’ has gone.

I have found myself becoming a lot more emotional over things that I wouldn’t have normally blinked an eye at previously when watching TV and films.

Speaking of films….
As of today, just 51 days into the year, I have so far watched 101 films!!
They seem to be the thing that I’ve latched on to for my sanity.
Old films, familiar films, something I can literally have on in the background when I’m concentrating on other things.
For example, as I write this, film 102 is on in the form of the 2009 Star Trek.
I just really can’t wait to see a BIG NEW film in the CINEMA!!

I think that what hasn’t helped me recently is a couple of things.
The diet I promised myself after Xmas never materialised and I feel fat and old and tired all the time.
Going to work in the dark and coming home in the dark after nearly 13 hours on my feet is depressing.

SO! things have got to change.
I have some annual leave in a couple of weeks so I have set that as my target to start the diet.
I have GOT to get out for fresh air and exercise on my days off.
With spring about to literally spring, the lighter mornings and evenings will start to come back and hopefully that will be a bit of a boost to my morale and I need to do whatever I can to help it.

If you catch me mooching around Facebook, please tell me off!!
But mainly, if I don’t answer a message immediately or my conversation with you is over in seconds, please don’t hold it against me.

Categories: General diary entries

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